A story about my family

Sometime around year 2006, my mom found a small lump on her breast. That was the time when I was on final year of my degree. She told us about that. We had no idea what to do and told her that best if see doctor for further checking. My dad instead of advise her to see doctor, he ask her to go to the temple and ask god. The god mention that she can boil some leaves and drink with the burned paper talisman. It will recover after that. After several attempts for months, it didn’t turn better. So my mom go and seek for alternative source from magazine and books. She found few leaves or grasses that so called proof can cure cancer from others personal experiences. She tried all methods include qi kong, grasses, leaves and burned talisman. My dad told her that a type of direct sales ling zhi mushroom can cure cancer. The scenario turn worst. She started to get fits from time to time.

In year 2012, my mom getting fits more frequent that she fits once every two to one day. We requested her to go see doctor but my dad stopping her. Telling her that if go hospital, she will be operate and die. Finally, a neighbor request us to send her to hospital. This is when we met Dr. Amir whom is an oncology doctor. From the report, my mom was confirmed with stage 4 breast cancer and brain cancer. Doctor mention she had only 1 month life and advise to go for radiotherapy plus chemotherapy. She finally follow doctor advised after we try to convince her. I cried countless times feeling the pain deep in my heart. I had cried in car and at my home.

My mom do not have insurances. When I ask her to buy insurance, my dad stop us. He tells us that insurance is a scam and must not purchase any of it. We now running out of choice so my dad started to borrow money from YB Ng Wei Aik as he works at DAP as administrative after his retirement. My dad decided to sell the house to YB’s wife. The property I requested my dad to purchase during his retirement because I understand my dad’s character. He spends like there is no tomorrow. Instead of him finished all his EPF, I try to convince him to purchase a property. Due to his retirement age, it is difficult to get his loan approved. So I was asked to join name with my dad to purchase a property at RM165k at year 2007. I spend 70% of my salary to pay for the loan until my sister Evon graduated and help to support half of the house loan. I also cover 100% of the car loan for 8 years alone. While waiting the property to sell, YB’s wife borrow us some money and also gave us the 10% of the property as we are selling to her. We sold at around RM280k. After we receive the 10% down payment, it is good for my mom chemo and radiotherapy. We also borrow some from our relatives.

During the process of selling property, my dad delay the process and not willing to provide sufficient documents to the legal firm for title transfer and documentation. My dad further scold YB and his wife because given insufficient leniency. Therefore he doesn’t want to sign the s&p. In fact, my dad delay the process for 9 months and blaming others that no full payment had taken. After getting the 100% of the selling price money, my dad doesn’t want to return the money he borrow from YB’s wife and other relatives. After countless time of me trying to persuade and scold him, he finally return the money and release the property to YB.

Despite that, we receive helps from state government that reserve a unit of low cost property cost RM75k and allow us to purchase. After I performed the settlement of bank loan, legal fees, purchase of the RM75k low cost property, we left about RM100k. Thanks to the property price spike around the year 2012. We reserved the funds for my mom medication which cost about RM1k plus monthly. I found out that my dad secretly took my mom medication money and spend. My sister Evelyn convince my dad to use my mom medication money for her to invest in forex plan that she is confident. We siblings were quarrel over this as she not happy I’m trying to stop her from investing mom money because she want to multiply the fund so that my mom can have more fund for her medication.

I knew that she might one day leave us. Both I and my wife want to give her the best we could. Every weekend we went back to mom house and spend time with her. We bring her for lunch or dinner. Sometimes I will cook meals and invite her to my house. We both also want her to have a chance to become grandma before her journey ends.

After 2 years, my mom cancer relapse. She undergo another session of radiotherapy and chemotherapy. Her condition were getting worst. She begins to get weaker from day to day. We notice not much money left for her. She also requires more attention on daily needs. In year 2014, she became grandma of a granddaughter. My life started to change. I’m now a son, a husband and a father. I need to work harder for my career as I had dependents. My time and space became limited. I had to cut a portion of the time spend with my mom to my daughter and wife. As days past, I see my mom getting weaker and suffer. My heart is so pain and sad. I feel helpless. I started to doubt about life. I don’t understand why my mom have to go through all this sufferings.

My mom unable to walk well anymore. She needs helps when she goes toilet, bath and sleep. My dad volunteer himself to take care of my mom full time. Therefore he resign from DAP and begin to stay at home. Every weekend when I visit her, she told me that my dad scold her. Sometimes push her or kick her. My dad didn’t buy food for him for lunch or dinner. When my mom request my dad to buy lunch or dinner, often my dad will ignore and watch his TV. My dad didn’t denied the fact when I ask about this but he choose to ignore. My both sisters bring her to general hospital for my dad checkup as we suspect he might had Alzheimer as he raise his temper when he need to help my mom run errands and often forgetful. Doctor diagnose my dad’s brain had few small spot which believe to be blood clog. This may cause his temper rise randomly and forgetful. Doctor advise him to start learning new things and practice some brain exercise such as Sudoku and Mahjongg. I requested my dad to do more reading and learn new skills but always rejected with reason he doesn’t want to learn.

In middle of year 2015, my mom’s brain cancer relapse. New spot was found. Doctor mentioned my mom life already at the edge of the end. He gave us two choice, one to let my mom go and another to perform radiotherapy. My mom was still conscious so she chose radiotherapy. We spend the remaining fund for her on this session. During this period, my dad temper getting worst. Bruises was found around my mom body. My mom told us my dad push her and never help her walking when she request for help. Each time my mom falls when she try to walk on her own, my dad will call 3 of us and start scolding. He doesn’t want to take care of my mom as she demanding and disturb his relaxing his time. My sister Evon request to send my mom to care center because bruises was found around my mom body. The Hospice nurse told us that my dad are killing my mom due to his laziness and temper. I and Evon went to look for care center. My dad reject our suggestion and told my mom she will die if she went to care center. He told my mom that the children doesn’t want her anymore.

I’m very confused why my dad had a very random characteristic. Although I knew he had brain issue but I’m unable to accept the fact that he doesn’t want to change his lifestyle and why he is so lazy even he admit he is. There were few times my mom was left at home with no one taking care of her. There was once I happen to knew my mom had not have any drink, food and no diapers change for almost 8 hours. Leaving her alone in the room that knowing her unable to walk, my dad stay at living room watching TV. He claim he had no energy and doesn’t want to care about her. My mom fall from the bed trying to walk to get water. She lies on the floor until Evon reach home from work. There was another time she fall from the bed and my dad left him lies on the floor for more than 8 hours until I rush home early in the morning when I receive call from my dad mention he doesn’t want to lift her from floor.

Finally, I’m able to let go most of the things that bother me. Every living creatures in this world have to undergo a path of birth, aging, sick and death. It is unavoidable. Instead of struggle through this, I learn to accept and face it. When I saw my mom suffering of cancer and pain, I knew one day she will have to leave us. Every child that still have both parents alive will still one day face the fact our parents will have to leave us. When my mom told me she doesn’t want to go yet. She doesn’t understand why her life so suffer. She doesn’t want to leave this world. Not now, not in the future and not ever.

I always receive call from my dad scolding me on the phone which I always receive the same call every few days for the past half year. He scolded me why I didn’t take care of my mom whole day. He scolded me for the reason I’m working and not take care of my mom. I need to stay to take care of my mom full time and at the same time needed to provide financial support. One day, around noon on weekday, I receive a call from my dad as usual started scolding. He mention my mom leg broken because my fault of working on weekday and not taking care of my mom. He demand me to go back and fix my mom broken leg. I ask him to call ambulance. He drop my phone. Later Evon called me and mention dad call her about mom broken leg. It was real and not the normal faking story my dad disturb us every few days. Evon called ambulance.

She was send to hospital. Report shown she had a broken thigh and need urgent surgery which will cost us around RM50k. We had insufficient fund at that moment nor any of my mom medical fund as claim by my sisters. Later then she was send to general hospital. I still remember clearly at the night she was sent to GH emergency room. She was on the bed at ER with a broken thigh waiting for 3 hours. She told me that my dad purposely push her off the bed and cause her thigh bone break. She scream in pain but my dad ask her to stand. Seeing her unable to stand, she carry her and cause the broken bone turn 90 degree and puncture towards her thigh. At ER, she told me and Evon that she will never forgive my dad. She admitted at GH and queue for surgery for 2 weeks. I visit her every day at the GH direct from office after work. During this period, my dad always told my mom that 3 of her children, me, Evon and Evelyn are worst children. He told her we purposely let her stay at GH and let her die at GH. My mom started to dislike us. She no longer accept our love nor feel it. She started to blame the doctor, nurses, hospital and everyone around her. My aunty cook for my dad and my sisters for lunch and dinner, my dad mention my aunty is a busy body. He mention my aunty is not a good person to my mom. He mention my mom siblings doesn’t care about her.

Straight from my mom eyes, I feel stranger. I knew she is leaving us soon. Somehow deep in my heart, I had fully let go of my mom. I had no regret. All I have to do arrange as much time as I could for my mom. During the last few months, my daughter infected with tonsillitis, admitted to hospital, sick and fever. My both sisters never came to visit my daughter. On and off my daughter keep fall sick. It was because I went to hospital every day, due to work late and lack of rest, I fall sick. My sickness spread to my daughter.

I love my mom a lot and she also love me a lot. I know she always want to see me. I’m her favorite son. She always call my name when she’s conscious. I knew how much my sisters sacrificed for her. I knew how much my mom sacrificed for 3 of us siblings. I had spent the 100% available efforts, financial and time to my mom. At the same time to my wife, daughter and career. My health degraded. I believe a person never feel done enough and regret if they hadn’t try their best. We need to appreciate what we have and should not be selfish. We should not afraid if we truly do only the right. Respect the flow of the nature, accept, face it and move on. When I heard my mom had passed away, my heart was so pain that it feel it almost like stop working. Time still move, sun still rise, life still goes on.